Natalie Portman – By Henry

Loooook! Look what Henry sent me! A story! What a way to start the week! And you all know what happens this week, right? It’s music week. It’s back to life week. So, I’ll go and ponder of this delightfully fluffy concept, while you read this.
Have a fantastic week.

New shadchanits are interesting to talk to as you always hope they may have someone on their books (as they call it) that may be “suitable”. This one had 3 girls she thought might be “suitable” and began to describe each one. One and two seemed fine (you can never really tell unless you meet them in person) but number three took my interest. Why you may ask? When giving over the girl?s physical description she said she looked like “Natalie Portman”. However experience has told me that the majority of women can not tell you if another women are a stunner or average. Men don?t have a clue about other men and will not pass opinion just in case they are seen to be a bit gay. So I made my choice (it was like being on Blind Date) and she said she would speak to her. She phoned back shortly afterward giving me Natalie?s number.

For various reasons (a story in itself) we spoke 4 or 5 times on the phone and then did not speak for about 2 weeks. We then played phone tag for a few weeks before I finally got hold of her to arrange a date.

She said 9.15. I said I would pick her up from her shuir (a bit too nice if you ask me). I arrived 10 minutes early and was listening to the football on the radio. Arsenal (English football / soccer team) were now losing 2-1 to some German side. One of the German goals came from an own goal and the other coming from a very questionable penalty. Is this bad omens for the night???

Anyway she turns up 20 minutes late and I had to suffer hearing Arsenal lose. At least she could have saved me the pain by coming on time. Her reason for being late was that the shuir that normally finishes at 9pm went on a bit and that she had actually left before it had finished and this was at 9.35pm. This night gets better and better. What else can go wrong? So I started my car and headed toward a hotel in town. One of the great things about London is that there is nothing open after about 10.30pm on a weeknight so the only real option is a hotel. (The guys at work think I go to a hotel just in case I get lucky!)

The question you are asking is does she look like Natalie …. not really… maybe… slightly… I mean very slightly. So I am driving along and we are chatting about a Rabbi who she heard over the weekend (as one does) and I was explaining one of the Rabbi?s Quotes (“I can talk to open minds but I can not talk to open minds”), when my car started steaming, I mean literally steam started coming from the bonnet. I stopped at a gas station as you call it and filled my car with water (of course I am an expert and knew exactly what was wrong NOT!) and guess what, yep, the car did not start after that! By now Natalie had gone completely silent.

Believe it or not this was the first time my car had broken down. I played with the water a bit more and almost burned myself, as boiling water was spat out of the radiator. I then went and filled the car with oil, not that I thought it would make any difference but hey I was trying and guess what? The car did not start. She asked what am I going to do? I said, “try again”. (I know a very profound, detailed well thought out answer) My main problem was that I was not a member of any roadside assistance groups and my housemate was playing football. So if my car would not start I would need to figure out another way back. Natalie was still just sitting there quietly. Was my car taking revenge for me? I think so. I thought the situation was very funny in fact very very funny (and had to control the smirk on my face) but was not going to show or tell her that. I then figured it was the battery and “Mr Prepared” here had jump leads in the back. I tried to get a few people to give me a jump-start and eventually some guy who spoke very little English said he would help. He pulled his car next to mine and started trying to find his battery UNDER HIS SEAT so that I could connect the jump leads. He did this for 10 minutes and I did not have to the heart to tell him to give up and I would ask someone else for help as he was trying really hard. He was really convinced the battery was under his seat. Maybe he left his brain there but he was doing a good job of trying to take the seat apart and sticking his hand under the seat to see if he could feel it. He could have been hoping for an electric shock, I know I was. I still thought the whole thing was very funny although I don?t think Natalie was too amused. She just sat there in the car silently, probably asking herself what she had done wrong. I peered in and smiled and I thought I got a glint of a smile back. Eventually some other guy pulled up besides me wanting to fill his car with water so asked him to help and he said fine. (He wet himself laughing when I told him this was my first date.) My car started straight away and I had a quick decision to make. Do I take her home, as my car may not start again once I park it by the hotel or shall I just go for it and take a chance. I decided to take her for a drink and take a chance but I think the damage was done. It is a shame the date was not jump-started as well.

After we found a table I went and got drinks. I took this opportunity to put a contingency plan into action (all unknown to Natalie) and left a message on my housemate?s phone saying to be on standby as I may need road side assistance or is it that she may need road side assistance? I am sure he laughed very hard as if I thought it was funny and it was happening to me then someone else would have thought it hysterical. I came back and set the drinks down (a bottle and a glass of coke each, she had diet) I thought I would do a nice thing and pour the diet coke into the glass for her. However I had second thoughts, as the way this night was going the drink would probably end up on her lap. As I sat down she said she needed the toilet.

15 minutes later she returns saying sorry she took so long but she found someone?s wallet and had to hand it in. You see she really is a good girl! The conversation was dry and it lasted about 45 minutes. The highlight was when some little kid came up to us and said he had just seen the Lion King and that it was ace. The joke is that I had better conversations with her on the phone but as one of my friends would say “whatever”. Furthermore I had spent more time away from her on this date than actually in her company. At about 11.15pm she said she needed an early night as she was ill the day before and had promised herself an early night. So that is what I am then, more like ill from this date! We went to the car and yep the car started straight away. Was someone trying to tell me something?? So I get to her place and park the car. She then offers me a nightcap. Only kidding I asked her what were her thoughts. She said she did not see it. I said I can not really tell, (me b eing no committal) but I don?t think we clicked. She then thanked me for my efforts and I thought any time NOT, although the look on her face sitting silently in my car thinking / praying my car will start made up for things. One thing for sure is that I gave her a ride she will not forget. The funny thing though, is my battery went dead because she was 20 minutes late and I was listening to the football in my car for over half an hour, My team lost and I was more upset about that then the date!

Written by Henry.

29 Responses to “Natalie Portman – By Henry

  • ys
    May 18th, 2003 00:55

    One of my Holy Land advantages is that I see Sat. night posting before many of you! As I sit here, I’m toying with the idea of “creative-writing” our friend Natalies’ story. Think about it:
    “So I get in the car and he’s ticked of because his silly football team lost the match…”
    I could quite have some fun with this. Don’t think I have the time. Almost done with exams but not yet. Cheers/YS

  • AsIf
    May 18th, 2003 03:24

    4 weeks to exams and then 1 more semester and I will be able to hang one of those not so handy diplomas on my wall. Does everyone remember the University from Lavtia (or whereever) scandals israel had about a year ago? Its looking pretty tempting around now.

    On the upside, you think this is bad? I went on a date with someone and he ended up in hospital with appendicitis. :)and i went with him He was trying to be manly and was embarassed at such a vunerable time but I thought it was pretty funny. It wasnt a shidduch so I knew him well before but I think we are long life friends now. Cute doctor there too 🙂 ….

  • d boy
    May 18th, 2003 08:27

    Henry, Great story, I think you should see the Aussie film, “The Big Steal” I am sure you will relate to the first date incident.

    AsIf, those degree’s only help people working the Israeli Government. There is a Government Policy that an employee with 2nd, 3rd .. (n)Tier degrees, diplomas.. gets a higher wage. There is a maximum of 12 (like someone is going to get to that number), but it is a salary increase of 15% for the Second and 10% for the Third and the 5% for each onr there atfer. Part of Netanyahu’s current plans include abolishing this system.
    and You know its bad when your checking out the doctors.

    I know a woman in Israel (single at the time) that got mugged on the day of her aliya. When the police came only the female officer knew English, and she (Cop) asked victim “Would you like to see a Doctor?”

    Victim replied “Only if he is single!”

  • AsIfIwould
    May 18th, 2003 15:36

    ha! I actually liked that story. Happy Lag Baomer. Any special plans?

  • d boy
    May 18th, 2003 21:43

    yeah I live in a semi rural city, so when we light up the bonfires, we have to be careful not to start major bushfires. Really!
    If it wasn’t for Lag B’Omer No-one would know the fire Dept even existed.
    But Wont see too much of it, I have to have a conference call with Mircosoft at 10:30 pm. 🙁

  • d boy
    May 18th, 2003 22:30

    She can you please delete the duplicate post.

    AsIf what do have planned? To go on another date with a guy who will need to have his tonsils out?

    BTW Did you see that movie “The Big Steal”

  • d boy
    May 18th, 2003 22:36

    Ok now I know what is going on with my double posts, My ISP has a transparent Proxy which Caches my post, and and then tries to post itself to j-colo, I guess j-colo rejects Proxy Post as not authorised. She could you please ask j-colo people if they will consider adding SSL to apache on your site?

  • She
    May 19th, 2003 00:14

    Sorry it took a while to delete, I was out. About your question, I’ll ask Yoz.

  • Thinker
    May 19th, 2003 01:06

    Ok, really. Here comes my expansive comment (I have no idea what I just said, but it sounded really good in my head): Henry, Henry, Henry! Oh Henry, Henry, dearest Henry, (I don’t know what to say next, so help me G-d) Henry, you are a marvel Henry; and I like the sound of your name, and of the word “expansive”, Henry.
    As for the date, of which you wrote all that, which you have written for us, the readers thereof, authored by you, Henry, it’s all fundamentaly undemental fun. And I think so, really. And because and …
    Now the reason for … is that you simply were too English for her, she needed a guy without ears.

  • Amerikaaner
    May 19th, 2003 01:10

    Henry can you pass around her phone # perhaps. I have a good functioning car. Think I just might be the “RIGHT ONE”. Just might.

  • d boy
    May 19th, 2003 08:12

    Hey Amerikaaner, why not publicly ask for her photo and school history too!
    If you were right for the girl then you wouldn’t be “wasting your time on the internet” you would be giving shiurim and doing lots of kiruv work.

    That said, it’s time for “sharchis at work”. Again.

  • d boy
    May 19th, 2003 08:16

    Henry you stated:

    When giving over the girl’s physical description she said she looked like “Natalie Portman”.

    What kind of a quality shadchanit would know who Natalie Portman is.

  • Londoner
    May 19th, 2003 10:48

    its so good 2 c a fellow Brit on this site! I love london and everythin by american guys jst seem 2 b so much cuter! Dating in Israel is so much easier! cant wait to make aliya! i think this is the funniest site eva.. jst came across it! are there any other Brits out there????

  • Henry
    May 19th, 2003 12:21

    To answer d boy’s question – a modern one.

  • AsIf
    May 19th, 2003 18:00

    Maybe a open minded one? 🙂 Depends who u ask..

    So speaking of Henry, has anyone read O’Henry stories? There is one beautiful one called The gift of Magi – its all about sacrifice and giving. It doesnt have anything to do with anything but your “name”just reminded me of it.

    So speaking of english…what is it about english boys? I know this is terrible to say but the (2) english boys I have dated completely fulfil their stereotype of cheap mama’s boys. It isnt an attack just a curiosity. On the other hand I just met a lovely english boy so who knows?

    THats if for me. Lag beomer was stellar..


  • She
    May 19th, 2003 18:42

    Jesse – behave.

    Lag B’Omer is starting in just a few, and I’m off to play my piano.

  • Materials may be borrowed from any Brooklyn Public Library or New York Public Library branch librari
    May 19th, 2003 19:56

    Yes – read O Henry – and “the Gift…” – and who hasn’t? – he’s rather good they told us in highschool justtommorow.
    As for the Brits that’s what DH Lawrence said of them and I’m maskim to him all the way:

    The English are So Nice!

    The English are so nice
    so awfully nice
    they’re the nicest people in the world.
    And what’s more, they’re very nice about being nice
    about your being nice as well!
    If you’re not nice, they soon make you feel it.

    Americans and French and Germans and so on
    they’re all very well
    but they’re not really nice, you know.
    They’re not as nice in our sense of the word, are they now?

    That’s why one doesn’t have to take them seriously.
    We must be nice to them, of course,
    of course, naturally–
    But it doesn’t really matter what you say to them,
    they don’t really understand–
    you can just say anything to them:
    be nice, you know, just be nice–
    but you must never take them seriously, they wouldn’t understand
    just be nice, you know! oh, fairly nice,
    not too nice of course, they take advantage–
    but nice enough, just nice enough
    to let them feel they’re not quite as nice as they might be.

    D.H. Lawrence

  • MB--Formerly know as UNluckyNlove, but got tired of the cliche name.
    May 21st, 2003 06:32

    Hey. Cute story in a “Murphy’s Law” type of way. btw, I’m sure you all know this but, Natalie Portman’s Israeli :), and she’s nice too–she came to my work once.

  • M
    May 21st, 2003 21:04

    Londoner – I think Yoz is a Brit also, right?

  • ys
    May 22nd, 2003 19:28

    She, you never mentioned that you play piano. Very cool. Hope that you have been enjoying your reunion with your music. (I have been!)
    Were there lots of other people out there (or here or whatever) who suffered terribly from musical withdrawl? /YS

  • (MS) Mad Scientist
    May 22nd, 2003 19:31

    I don’t find the story cute in the least. It was all Henry’s fault for ruining his prospective prospects of marriage to this girl. He should have begged her on his knees for another date, blaming everything on the stupid car engine, and swearing it’ll be so much better, Henry!

  • natalie
    May 23rd, 2003 01:26

    its funny,ppl. tell me all the time how i look excatly like natalie portman,soome even say that i talk like her, i dont’ see it. she has a jewish look,i heard that she is jewish but not frum

  • Mister Twister
    May 23rd, 2003 04:40

    Yeah, people misjudge appearances. My mom says, for instance, that when I was 15 I looked EXACTLY like an Apollo, and he never existed.

  • AsIf
    May 25th, 2003 12:52

    Did any one watch the eurovision?

  • Jeremy
    May 25th, 2003 21:08

    Natalie is Jewish. She was actually born in Yerushalayim.
    YS-I always suffer horribly from music withdrawal, not to mention shaving withdrawal (yes I know I just mentioned it)! It’s funny because I hate shaving and I hate having a beard. I just can’t win.

  • Admonish
    May 25th, 2003 22:08

    Jeremy, I also hate having and not having a beard, and I also hate to shave. But I also hate to brush my teeth, and to comb my hair, to tuck in my shirt, and to tie my shoe laces, to wash my hands before dinner, and to not wipe them off on the table-cloth.
    I hate to make my bed, and to go to sleep in it, to have to wake up – in the morning, afternoon, or evening. I hate to have a hole in my sock or in my logic, and to not have one in my bagel.
    Jeremy, I also hate having and not having a beard, and I also hate to shave.

  • casurette
    July 9th, 2003 09:55

    admonish-u work for dr. seuss? wait, ARE u dr.seuss??

  • Quasi-Admonish
    July 10th, 2003 22:52

    No. Why do you say that? Did my nick mislead you? Sorry. No harm, or vilainry, intended. Just plain good olde fashioned fun.

  • Angel27
    January 15th, 2004 10:00

    First off, who arranges a first date to be right after a Shiur. I know I could never concentrate on a Shiur if I was meeting a guy right after. Other then that though, I think you were a little hard on her Henry. 20 minutes isn’t that bad, and maybe it sucks that your car had trouble but that wasn’t her fault. It wouldn’t have killed you to be a little more understanding. I dont think this constitutes as a horror story at all.