Coat Makes The Woman - By TheLoneCabbage
August 25th, 2003 at 4:05 pm (Reader's Corner)
Where am I, you ask?
Am here. Busy working, reading and playing silly online games.
I shall return.
I had just come to Jerusalem, to study for the year in a Yeshiva for BT’s, and of course to meet eligible shiduchim. Over Frumster (don’t snicker, you use it too) I met this nice girl. Her profile said she was an actress, studying in seminary for the year, a bachelors degree and she even had a nice picture on-line.
We wrote back and forth for a couple weeks and decided to meet. I opted to meet her by a coffee shop on Yaffo, since it was a location we both knew. I figured we’d go inside and sip some coffee, after all this was the coldest winter Israel had seen in 50 years, and I’m from Southern California. I don’t like the cold.
I get their 5 min early. She got their 30 min late. But that’s OK, I’m usually late for everything, so I blow it off. After all the inside of the coffee shop was heated. She looked NOTHING like her photo, which was apparently a professional head-shot from when she lived in NY. But she was still cute, no loss. Funny thing was, she brought a friend. I know I should have flown the first red flag allot sooner, but this was odd, especially since her friend didn’t leave.. or say much, just follow.
“How do you like me coat?” she asked. It was a fine coat, if you lived in Antarctica! The thing was 4 times her size, and I had no way of knowing if she consisted of more than a head with two orthopedic shoes sticking out the bottom.
I offered to sit down and have some coffee but she was rather emphatic on going for a walk in the snow, so romantic. Did I mention I’m from Southern California and the only warm weather clothing I own is a leather jacket? Did I also mention this is during the coldest winter in Israel in 50 years? So naturally I agreed…
We walked with her friend in town (she had a nice coat too) for about an hour and a half. During this time she filled me in on her details..
She’s not really in seminary, they just call it that. It’s a kiruv program and she’s been sorta-sorta Shomer Shabbat for the last 6 months, her last job was… wait for it… wait for it…
Playing a hooker on some nationally syndicated cop show! Yes Jackpot! I can see it now, it’s shabbos and I’m telling my kids “Hey kids, it’s mommy on TV!” And at this point I’m freezing. But for reasons that to this day I still can’t fathom I hadn’t said goodnight yet. After an hour and a half she notices that I’m shivering mercilessly (not that my 5+ suggestions “go in here” didn’t help to tip her off). Finally we went inside this cafe, I forget where it was but it was heated. I drop the coat and warm up under a portable heater. Basking in what, with my eyes closed, I imagine to be the sun on a hot summer day. I offered to take her coat (OK so maybe I was curious to see was actually attractive
underneath that dead lama). She actually sat there, not sweating at all, in the heated cafe not even loosening that coat!
We talked for another 30 min about how she wanted to do kiruv work. Why does every BT want to do kiruv work? After all it all looks so easy?!
Finally my self destructive urges abated, I decided I needed to extricate myself from the coat, it’s attached head, and her silent friend (didn’t I mention she was still there).
I was this girl’s (head’s) first frum date, and I didn’t know how to break it to her that I wanted to run for the door screaming. I admit it’s my fault for not just saying it, but I so prefer it when a woman thinks she turned me down, then no one feels rejected.
Plan A: Smoking.
At one point in my life I smoked. And any former smoker can tell you the urges never really go away. You just make a conscious decision not to smoke, ever. So I start explaining to her how much I loved cigarettes, the smoke curling up, the sensation of relief at the first puff…. she then produced a pack of cigarettes from within the magic coat.. and offered me one… Swing and a Miss! Strike 1.
Plan B: I want 26 children.
I think this is self explanatory. She was elated. What woman (or head in a coat) wouldn’t want to spend the rest of her days pregnant, nursing, or pregnant and nursing. Apparently this woman. Strike 2.
Plan C: I’m Chasidic!
Never in all my days will I dawn a striemle and a long coat! Well maybe if it’s Purim, and I’m already drunk out of my skull. But that’s not what I told her. She loved the idea. Forgot that fresh BT’s dig that kinda stuff. Strike 3.
I gave up. I figured I’d marry the woman anyway. There must be good money in playing TV hookers; I guess she could support me in a Chasidic kollel, where I could smoke while chasing my 26 kids.
Then we saw a sticker for Kahan Chai, one thing led to another and I mentioned that I’d like to live in Yesha one day. She flipped out. I stared, amazed as she lectured me for a good 15 min on how Palestinians are people too, and how awful right wingers like me are.
Silent-Tag-Along-Friend even managed to lay in a few accusations here and there.
The moral of the story? Just say no.
Written by TheLoneCabbage.
d boy said,
August 25, 2003 at 4:40 pm
Yeah first again
Singleguy said,
August 25, 2003 at 4:43 pm
JUST FYI to all you peeps out there- I had created an email address specifically for this forum (that being singlefrumguy at juno). As of last week I started receiving a ton of spam to that address. I guess it is a good idea not to publish your email address on the web.
Singleguy said,
August 25, 2003 at 4:44 pm
She sounds like a babe if she can get an acting job as a hooker on national TV- was she really good looking (facewise)? How old wa she?
d boy said,
August 25, 2003 at 4:46 pm
TheLoneCabbage, good on you for sending in a real
worst shidduch. Better luck in finding someone who wants to live Eilat.
thelonecabbage said,
August 25, 2003 at 4:58 pm
Single Guy, don’t even go there!
Actually she did have a pretty face.
(I thing I wrote that)
And truth is she did have some redeming midot, lest I would not have gone past the phone stage. But then again that’s not the entertaining part.
thelonecabbage said,
August 25, 2003 at 5:01 pm
d boy,
It is a true story. Edited of course; names, places, etc changed and I took poetic licence with the 3 strikes thing, but other wise it did actually happen.
snark said,
August 25, 2003 at 6:06 pm
a stupid game indeed but it’s an addiction.
Shlomo said,
August 25, 2003 at 7:16 pm
She,
It’s hard enough living without your own stories for so long, we haven’t had one since July 18, shouldn’t you at least edit the stories you post?
No offence cabbage, the story was great and even well-written. I loved the ’strike 3′ analogy. But shouldn’t She be editing for spelling and clarity? You know, keep the site up to standards?
She said,
August 25, 2003 at 7:37 pm
What did I miss? What did I miss?
Uninvisible said,
August 25, 2003 at 8:09 pm
“I figured we’d go inside and and sip some coffee”
“and I entioned that I’d like to live in Yesha one day”
at least by my reckoning…
She said,
August 25, 2003 at 8:25 pm
Oh.
Victoria said,
August 25, 2003 at 9:17 pm
i would like to add that the expression is ‘to don something’ and not to ‘dawn’
otherwise -this story was really funny and true to the site which as you all know is important to me
ES said,
August 25, 2003 at 10:16 pm
I just want to add that this is one of the funniest shidduch stories i’ve ever heard (and i’ve heard quite a few… and unfortunately been part of some too). Thanks for making me laugh!
shimra said,
August 27, 2003 at 6:47 pm
Why are these people nitpicking on spelling?? Anyone who has a problem with the grammar on this site should pursue their dreams to be English teachers.
Loved the story. Cabbage, you should be glad she only PLAYED a hooker.
Jinji said,
August 27, 2003 at 8:21 pm
I’m trying to picture a frum (or semi-frum?) girl saying, “I’m not a hooker, but I play one on TV.” And what do you know … beep beep beep, cognitive dissonance alert.
micro said,
August 29, 2003 at 12:49 pm
i want She back.
Singleguy said,
August 29, 2003 at 4:15 pm
Someone once told me that a shadchan wanted to set him up with this beautiful divorced baalas teshuvah. The shadchan claimed the girl was absolutely stunning. There were a few catches- 1) she had a teenage son learning in yeshiva. Even though the father isn’t jewish they still maintain a close relationship. 2)The father is someone rather famous in the music industry, which might intimidate a lot of guys. 3)The woman is featured dancing in one of his videos (from before her teshuvah I am guessing).
Here’s the hook- the father…….Marilyn Manson!!!!!!
The guy claimed he said no to the shidduch, but he may have been BSing the whole thing. Any thoughts? Would you have gone out with her?
Devora said,
August 29, 2003 at 4:49 pm
Single guy,
Aren’t you embarrassed to be this sickeningly and obviously shallow? I may know that guys can be very superficial, but you more than take the cake.
Enough is enough.
Singleguy said,
August 29, 2003 at 4:52 pm
Huh? What are you referring to? I am obviously not embarassed since I don’t know what you are talking about, Duh.
Devora said,
August 29, 2003 at 5:04 pm
Actually, that’s most of the problem - you don’t even seem to realize there is anything wrong with your attitude.
“Someone once told me that a shadchan wanted to set him up with this beautiful divorced baalas teshuvah. The shadchan claimed the girl was absolutely stunning. There were a few catches…Any thoughts? Would you have gone out with her? ”
The only appeal that YOU seemed to find important about this woman - same as the usual appeal you always need to mention - is that she is absolutely “stunning” - and oopsy forgot - she also is a dancer.
Hmmm….need I say more…..
Shallow…or not?
Singleguy said,
August 29, 2003 at 5:07 pm
You are a very, very bitter woman.
Devora said,
August 29, 2003 at 5:11 pm
I am, however, sickened by this.
Good luck to you.
Singleguy said,
August 29, 2003 at 5:14 pm
Umm, you seem to have missed the whole point of my post- She was married to Marilyn Manson and spawned with him!
If this post wasn’t moderated you can be sure I would tell you off like you deserve.
Good luck with your shidduchim, Devora.
Devora said,
August 29, 2003 at 5:20 pm
Hmm, so she’s appealing because she “spawned” (how crude) with Marilyn Manson….? Oh!!!! Now, that’s better!
Oh yeah, btw (can’t resist this because you seem to be baiting me), B”H I don’t need any luck anymore. You apparently do, though.
Singleguy said,
August 29, 2003 at 5:27 pm
You are just a vicious, miserable person- no matter what you say otherwise, and we all could use a little luck. Conversation closed.
jewbaca said,
August 29, 2003 at 7:58 pm
hey, its like 5 weeks since She last posted a shidduch, ya think shes gonna invite us all the the lechaim
Chayale said,
August 29, 2003 at 10:18 pm
This is my first time visiting this site, and I have to admit it’s rather disconcerting and unappealing when the conversation thread turns into an insult fest.
And, just to offer a different female opinion, I don’t think what SFG said was that shallow. I think most people would twice about going on a shidduch date with the mother of Marilyn Manson’s child. It’s not exactly a situation anyone would be prepared for. And what’s wrong with mentioning the fact that the woman was stunning? It only becomes shallow if that’s the only characteristic someone cares about. But seeing as how it wasn’t SFG’s shidduch, it’s pretty harsh to label him as shallow based on the way he told the story.
Chayale said,
August 29, 2003 at 10:19 pm
That was supposed to be SG, not SFG. My finger kept slipping.
Rochel said,
August 31, 2003 at 2:21 pm
Hi, I’m really enjoying all the dating disaster stories - now I’m really getting all prepped up for the dating scene - not having started yet - but I sure hope “She” and all the other dating malcontents will find their zivugs very soon and therefore have no reason to post any more horror stories… Amen!
Singleguy said,
September 2, 2003 at 7:13 pm
Hey everyone- I met the “Potential” girl again this weekend. Still single.
Rochel said,
September 3, 2003 at 3:48 pm
We are holding our breath SG
Singleguy said,
September 3, 2003 at 6:24 pm
Nothing to report- “Potential” is still single. I am still off the market (for now). She was suprised that I started dating someone about a week after our ordeal. I had a girlfriend this summer, she just had random dates. I feel somewhat vindicated, call it immature if you will.
whome said,
September 4, 2003 at 2:53 am
Don’t flatter yourself. I’m sure it didn’t affect her nearly as much as your smug self would like to believe.
I hope the Potential works out, because you will like like such a fool when/if it doesn’t.
Singleguy said,
September 4, 2003 at 5:02 pm
“you will like like such a fool when/if it doesn’t”
Huh? what language is this?
What are you talking about? I had someone with whom to share, give and love for 2 solid months. She didn’t. She was single and alone because she and girls like her didn’t follow my advice to not write people off so quickly.
Is “whome” a new bitter girl or the same old bitter girl who has been attacking me lately?
Elana's roommate said,
September 4, 2003 at 6:12 pm
whoa, this site has been getting nasty while i’ve been gone…
asif said,
September 4, 2003 at 6:24 pm
http://www.lemonadestandgame.com/
another game to fill your time up with.
whome said,
September 4, 2003 at 7:22 pm
Like like? Oh. That was a typo. Of course.
I find your incessant desire to sum up and judge others you have dated rather disconcerting. You say that she got what was coming to her because she wasn’t interested in you. Well what will you say when/if your current love interest breaks it off? Or when you break it off with her? Will you fault yourself? You seem to want to blame people for their non-interest in you, and it is completely illogical.
If so, you have been alone and single for years fore many reasons which I’m sure can be enumerated by the girls that didn’t like you. Or felt jilted because they weren’t good looking enough.
And no, I’m a different person.
Singleguy said,
September 4, 2003 at 8:52 pm
whome, I have never seen you before- are you sure you haven’t been using a different name?
whome said,
September 4, 2003 at 11:00 pm
Maybe this is an alter ego, maybe it’s not.
You’re dodging the issue, though.
I believe I accused you of coming to conclusions as to why others are “alone” in a rather biased and unfair way, and then forcing us to be privy to your machinations.
Maybe she just didn’t like you.
Why can’t you get over it?
Why is part of your healing process finding fault with her and throwing in our faces the fact you’ve been dating somebod for 2 months?
Singleguy said,
September 4, 2003 at 11:17 pm
Umm. yes?
whome said,
September 4, 2003 at 11:39 pm
Heh.
Good answer.
I think that online I probably come off sounding a little stronger than I mean to.
Thanks for making me smile.
TheLoneCabbage said,
September 5, 2003 at 9:48 am
Whome/Devora - While I have no idea how it helps your cause to change your handle mid-discussion, if you plan to do so, you may wish to change your writing style, spelling errors, or stanza structure.
I certainly don’t endorse SingleGuy (though I do understand where he’s coming from, he is just being honest), you seem to be accusing him of exactly the same things you are guilty of. IE, being judgmental, immaturity and taking pleasure in the downturn of another.
Come on people, it’s Elul, even on the web. Let’s kiss and make up!
Otherwise SHE may pull this blog to the side of the road and pimp slap both of you! (not to speak for SHE of course
whome said,
September 5, 2003 at 10:35 am
HAH! I’m so not Devora.
Devora will be shocked when she sees you said that.
As for SingleGuy, I’m not being guitly of the same by calling light to his actions. I “accused” him of playing G-d in some sense, deciding that Potential “deserved” being alone this summer because she didn’t want to spend more time with him. I fail to see how I am repeating such mistakes, I.E. I have at no point ventured to say why Single is still Single, or why X happened to Z. Only the Ribon Shel Olam knows that. So your arguement is very flawed.
phoebe said,
September 5, 2003 at 11:35 am
well, good for you whome, at least you didnt have any typos is that post! ( before you take this the wrong way, its a joke!)
phoebe said,
September 5, 2003 at 11:36 am
silly me, i meant IN that post.Obviously
Singleguy said,
September 5, 2003 at 4:14 pm
Did you guys hear about Dr. Laura? She decided to frei out. Such a shame! I guess thats the reason it’s a mitzvah to be extra nice to converts. I feel especially bad for her son Deryk, who has grown up in the Jewish day school system. What will become of him?
She said,
September 5, 2003 at 4:16 pm
Yes, hello, I’m back.
(what the hell’s going on here?)
Singleguy said,
September 5, 2003 at 4:59 pm
Welcome back! where you been?
Singleguy said,
September 5, 2003 at 5:00 pm
There has been some mean girls being mean to me.
She said,
September 5, 2003 at 5:21 pm
Pago Pago. (I wish)
phoebe said,
September 5, 2003 at 5:22 pm
sg- you might be interested in some of the last posts in “the no read” story
Singleguy said,
September 5, 2003 at 5:51 pm
I read them, thanks.
SMS said,
September 7, 2003 at 6:52 am
sg,
where did you hear that Dr. Laura is not frum anymore? My mother used to be a big fan of hers, so she wants to know about it.
Uninvisible said,
September 7, 2003 at 8:41 am
In her August 5 radio broadcast, Dr. Laura publicly stated that though she still “considers” herself Jewish, “my identifying with this entity and my fulfilling the rituals, etc., of the entity - that has ended.” Basically, Dr. Laura claimed two things: 1) that she wasn’t finding Judaism spiritually fulfilling and 2) that she didn’t find that the community embraced her. Boo hooo.
You can send your mother this link: http://www.forward.com/issues/2003/03.08.15/news2.html
SMS said,
September 8, 2003 at 6:40 am
Thanx!
YS said,
September 8, 2003 at 8:17 pm
Off topic as it is…
As to Dr. Laura, it’s worth reading Rabbi Shmuley Boteachs’ response to her which was printed in the Jewish Press and J-lem post.
http://www.thejewishpress.com/news_article.asp?article=2804
Dr. Laura, famous for her “Stop crying and deal with life” Should be the last person to say “People don’t love me enough for being an orthodox jew”. What did she expect?
Now, I think that this is about as off topic as we can get. Lets stop it right here and go back to bitching about our non-existant love-lives/YS
YS said,
September 8, 2003 at 8:37 pm
Sorry, let me see if this link works now
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach article
It’s been a while since I’m had to type HTML. /YS
She said,
September 8, 2003 at 10:48 pm
I just had to post.
The 2,000th comment should mine. MINE I SAY! mine.
Uninvisible said,
September 8, 2003 at 10:58 pm
Announcer: (In affected, congenial voice of typical 60s game show host) That’s right Rod, She’s just submitted the 2000th comment, now tell her what She’s won…
Uninvisible said,
September 8, 2003 at 11:10 pm
Hey you deceived us! We’re actually up to 2254.
She said,
September 8, 2003 at 11:11 pm
We are?
Uninvisible said,
September 8, 2003 at 11:14 pm
Count em again, and you’ll see…
d boy said,
September 9, 2003 at 10:25 am
She, I don’t think Moveable type counts your posts
mg said,
January 16, 2004 at 7:42 pm
v funny story….such a mentsch! i have yet to meet a guy who would rather be the dumpee than the dumper!