Forty Two

I came to my 42nd shidduch with high hopes.
42 is a mythical number, its the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question.
This guy was definitely the Ultimate *something*, still not sure what though.

The shadchan had only fantastic things to say about him, and we decided to meet at this coffee place.
As I came closer I saw two guys waiting, one looked just like Leonardo DiCaprio, and the other looked very much like my grandfather, so, although I have no liking whatsoever for the Sleek-Leonardo-Look, I hoped it would be him.
It was him.

It was such a nice evening so I felt like just taking a walk, I didnt want to be inside.
He hesitated, mumbled something about the lights on the hills, and then said fine.
I didnt dare to ask which lights and what hills.

So, we’re walking and I was trying to make a conversation, he was very quiet.
I mean, VERY.
The only thing he said to me of his own free will was noting that I’m not wearing a coat.
I told him that its true and that he’s really very perceptive and all, but I’m just one of those people who always feel its too hot.
“But its cold”, he said.
“I believe you”, I answered cheerfully, “but as I said, I dont feel it. Ain’t that cool?”
“No, because its actually cold now.”
I decided at that moment that he irritates me.

He wasnt talkative, to say the least, so I had to fish out all my questions and try to hold a proper conversation with him.
I asked him of his life, and he told me he’s a writer.
I thought that was extremely cool, and I asked him what he writes about.
“I’m afraid thats a private matter”, he said.
“A private matter?” I asked him, only to make sure I heard him correctly.
He didnt reply, just kept on walking quietly like he never heard me.
I decided to try a different approach and asked him what he likes to read then.
“You know what? Its personal, and I’m sorry to tell you that you’re crossing the line here”, he slightly raised his voice in irritation.
For a moment I was stunned by the reaction this question has provoked.
But a second later I got back to my usual post-shock behaviour, which is to just start laughing.
I mean, WHAT?? What line?? What is he talking about? Its not as if I’ve asked him about his mental problems, which he clearly has.
He was quite obviously not amused, but still deep down I was hoping he was only joking.
So, I had to find out.

We continued walking and I burned through all my shidduch questions, only getting some very strange answers from him. Like, everything he had to say was weird in all known standards.
I dont think he liked to answer all my questions, but I was intrigued and amused.

The final thing on my boring shidduch questions stock was
“Do you like Jerusalem?”
To which he YELLED AT ME, “Do you ever stop?? No! I dont like it! I hate it! I hate everything about it! Enough with all the questions!”
Well….NO ONE YELLS AT ME. No one, Dammit.
I looked at him and he was all nervous and upset, shaking his head and darting furious looks at the curious people walking by. Scary.

You see, the problem is that people like him fascinate me, but in a really really bad way.
So I smiled at him, and in the softest voice I asked him
“Why do you hate it? What has it done to you?”
By the look he gave me then I was sure he’s going to grab a stick and lash me or something, but he didnt, he simply sat down on a near bench and covered his face with his hands.
He spoke very quietly.
“All those hills…you go up….and you cant see what is coming towards you….all those hills and hidden turns…you can never know…all these questions…”
The guy was shaking all over.

“The hills”, I said, while slowly sitting down beside him.
He was shaking his head like he was trying to get his brain to settle down in his head and calm down already.
“Well”, he started saying in a voice that I already recognised as one which presaged something utterly weird, “they scare me, I can hear them grow”.


I wasnt prepared for that, and I didnt really know what to say, my former experience with loonies taught me it is always best to stay quiet and appear calm, never expose your sane spots to them.
So I kept quiet.

He finally looked up at me and said he would like to go home now.
I wanted to say something like “with pleasure and delight, you nutter”, but very tactfully I decided to simply say fine.

I felt like I have failed Douglas Adams completely.
what a waste on the 42.

46 Responses to “Forty Two

  • Former YU Guy
    January 2nd, 2003 06:14

    “You see, the problem is that people like him fascinate me, but in a really really bad way.”

    so that why she puts up with me. oh well, better to be looney and put up with, than not put up with at all.

  • G
    January 2nd, 2003 08:16

    Yes, you do remind me of Trillian πŸ™‚

  • Former YU Guy
    January 2nd, 2003 08:43

    Well, I’d say this last shidduch reminded more of Marvin the depressed robot. πŸ™‚

  • She
    January 2nd, 2003 08:51

    Nah, at least Marvin knows when the time has come to switch himself off and decompose.

    “So this is it. We’re going to die.”
    “Yes…except…No! Wait a minute, what’s this switch?”
    “What? Where?”
    “No, I was only fooling. We are going to die after all.”

  • A
    January 2nd, 2003 16:22

    I am now convinced that these are made up. No one is that wacky. Even ba’alei teshuvah in Yerushalayim.

    On second thought, they probably are true. I guess it doesnt matter.

  • beb
    January 2nd, 2003 19:20

    maybe it was DiCaprio after all…

  • She
    January 2nd, 2003 20:03

    I wish I was *that* creative and could make these stories up…I’m really not a writer, I’m afraid, but I can describe reality.
    Oh, and you might be surprised to hear he wasnt a Baal Teshuva.

  • shimra
    January 2nd, 2003 20:47

    Sh*& this guy is the most lunatic of all your dates. Even the one that took you to your surprise vort! Obviously he’s seriously ill and I mean that in a non-joking not funny manner.

    Then again hearing hills grow does not necessarily mean he’s schizo. There is a little known condition called synesthesia, where your senses are mixed. Like hearing colors or tasting shapes. Some get it so intensely that they find it hard to function b/c it’s so overwhelming. I myself hear music as color and have since I can remember.

    Then again maybe he’s just a lunatic.

  • ha Snark
    January 2nd, 2003 21:14

    Shimra, in my medical library this phenomena is simply called LSD consumption. Moreover, u just read a week ago about someone who believed a burning bush is talking to him. Then they all “saw the noises”. As a frumie I cannot say the guy is odd. He is special πŸ˜‰

    Ah She, It’s a shame u didn’t ask him “how many years can a mountain exist”. That could be a good one for the 42nd.

  • Mindy
    January 3rd, 2003 00:32

    What gets me is why someone would set you up with a guy like this. Didnt the shadchan know he was mental?

  • She
    January 3rd, 2003 00:35

    Good Question. The answer is “sort of”.
    The shadchan was this girl I know, she said he was her husband’s friend, he knows him from yeshiva.
    The morning after this horror when I phoned her, I heard her husband in the backround asking her to PLEASE tell him it isnt true, that she didnt set me up with a guy who wasnt, shall we say, quite alright.
    So he knew, but she didnt.

  • Former YU Guy
    January 3rd, 2003 01:05

    ugh, another case of “good girl” + “good boy” == shidduch, without knowing 1 or both of them that well.

  • She
    January 3rd, 2003 01:09

    Well, she knows me well and her husband seems to know him well enough to know he’s whacked, only too bad they didnt join forces.

  • Different Place Different time
    January 3rd, 2003 03:22

    Its does seem rather fitting in a Douglas Adams sort of way… if you would reread the end of so long and thanks for all the fish…

  • She
    January 3rd, 2003 03:31

    Hmmm…I’m getting there. I’m re-reading the whole series again, am now in the middle of Life, The Universe, and Everything. Not long now…

  • shimra
    January 3rd, 2003 05:27

    Actually once I was set up by a friend with this guy who turned out to be a baal teshuva atheistic rabbi. He stalked me for weeks. When I asked my friend why he thought we’d be good for each other he said “I dunno, he was a neighbor.”

    By the way haSnark, before you think you know what you’re talking about try looking up the term on Google.

  • Punims
    January 5th, 2003 07:05

    Sigh. These stories are getting reallly depressing. Doesnt anybody out there have a NORMAL guy for SHE?

  • shimra
    January 5th, 2003 08:08

    I think she and YU guy would be such a great match

  • She
    January 5th, 2003 08:28

    Punims, I *have* dated few normal guys actually, I didnt think it’ll interest anyone to hear all the boring ones though.

  • Just a Guy
    January 5th, 2003 11:39

    what a lunatic

  • Former YU Guy
    January 5th, 2003 11:47

    It’s not going to happen. I’m far from the perfect speciman when it comes to sanity and because of that have burnt myself out on this site, so probably will stop visiting.

  • She
    January 5th, 2003 11:52

    You burnt yourself on this site? (???)

  • micro
    January 5th, 2003 11:58

    i hope the shadchns now know not to set him up with anyone else….

  • She
    January 5th, 2003 12:01

    Funny that you mentioned that, since I know he’s now married. Ho hum.

  • shimra
    January 5th, 2003 12:52

    YU guy is married?????

  • She
    January 5th, 2003 13:02

    NO, THE LUNATIC IS. (Dont Panic)

  • She
    January 5th, 2003 14:20

    I heard he got married about two months after I went out with him. No one has heard from him since.

  • shimra
    January 5th, 2003 18:45

    If a lunatic like him can get married. ANYONE can get married. Take it as chizuk!:)

  • elana
    January 6th, 2003 01:58

    no no, shimra.. I disagree. Lunatics finding mates isn’t chizuk. It’s just sad. That would mean that for every lunatic.. there’s another. Oy. Someone needs to discover a new breed of sane people. Then again… inside everyone exists a little insanity..Ah, but I digress.

    Hey, She!!

  • She
    January 6th, 2003 09:14

    Elana… seeing your name here below the comment made me weep gooey tears of joy.

  • shimra
    January 6th, 2003 16:55

    well you can take it as chizuk that he won’t be making anyone else miserable on a date:)

  • She
    January 6th, 2003 17:12

    Oh there you go, here’s a comfort… πŸ™‚

  • Punims
    January 7th, 2003 06:09

    Well I’m interested in the normal ones.. lets hear em!

  • She
    January 7th, 2003 09:24

    I suppose I can do that… might be as boring as hell for all you readers though.
    I’ll give it a shot. πŸ™‚

  • dani
    January 8th, 2003 23:56

    i’ve been reading through She’s site all day and She’s totally helping me with a rough week.
    speaking as the sister of a former YU guy (not THE) and someone who lives in washington heights, i have to say that YU gyus come in all stripes, and just like everyone else, some are great (like my brother) and some are far less so. impossible to stereotype a crowd that runs every gamut from completely not frum guys to yeshivish guys from borough park… “you can find anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant”

  • ys
    January 10th, 2003 00:27

    I would hate to be one of the poor shmoes who find their name (or date) blasted to bits on this site. Not only does She get to kick them around for her letting-off-steam enjoyment, but afterwards the world at large gets to voice an opinion on ‘just how rude was he’. Oh well. Just my 2 farthings.

  • who me?
    January 10th, 2003 01:04

    The point would be, that no names are mentioned on this site, and you dont know who She is either. In the one case where too much information was in the story so people knew who She was talking about, She quickly took down the story.

  • dani
    January 10th, 2003 11:37

    i find that She doesn’t blast people to bits so much as she express what she felt and thought at the time. do you not get freaked out by wacko situations? come on! we *all* think this stuff. in fact, the only one who She actually blasted to bits was herself, re: Peter Pan. spend your “two farthings” instead on coming to terms with this, and learning how to deal with honest people.

  • birthdaygirl
    January 10th, 2003 14:08

    ive read all the douglas adams…this fits in with the whole psycho-weird-fantasy thing… nice going

  • Punims
    January 12th, 2003 09:11

    Actually I asked a few male readers of this site, if they’d go out with SHE. Most say ‘noway, i wouldnt wanna get writeen about.. blabla bla..’ the chickens in other words.. But one guy said he’d give it a try, cuz he’s got guts.. she sounds like an awesome girl who has just somehow gotten involved with every psycho in the world – and knows how to turn it all into a good joke!
    Oh, but you can’t have him;)

  • She
    January 12th, 2003 11:17

    Its not like I sit on dates and think “Hmm, that would be a cool entry for the site..”, I really AM looking for someone to marry, you know.
    I’m very sweet on dates, I’m not so spooky.
    I wouldnt write about the normal ones, I’m not that creative. Unless you broke my heart, I’d write about that, definitely.

  • The Ultimate Something
    January 12th, 2003 20:57

    for the 42nd post to the 42nd story, the ultimate (semi appropriate?) quotes?

    “The first ten million (dates?) were the worst, and the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn’t enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.”

    or is this somehow describing She’s dates

    There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

    or how she deals with these dates

    ‘”He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!’ he announced.’

    — Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on Prehistoric Earth.”

    or, is this how she deals with these dates

    “`A curse,’ said Slartibartfast, `which will engulf the Galaxy in fire and destruction, and possibly bring the Universe to a premature doom. I mean it,’ he added.`Sounds like a bad time,’ said Ford, `with luck I’ll be drunk enough not to notice.'”

    or is this describing She

    “`That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.'”

    — Marvin’s first ever compliment about anybody.

    this is sort of the opposite of the the above story

    “`What’s been happening here?’ he demanded.
    `Oh just the nicest things, sir, just the nicest things. can I sit on your lap please?'”
    “`Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate.’
    `I’m so happy.'”
    “`It will be very, very nasty for you, and that’s just too bad. Got it?’
    `I gurgle with pleasure.'”

    is this how She feels on some of her dates?

    “The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.”

    or is this how people who know She deal with her?

    “`She hit me on the head with the rock again.’
    `I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.’
    `Sweet kid.’
    `You have to get to know her,’ said Arthur.
    `She eases up does she?’
    `No,’ said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'”

    and the ultimate quote, to the this ultimate post to the ultimate story

    “There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler’s mind.”

    I’m done, laters

  • She
    January 13th, 2003 16:24

    Good job on the 42nd post πŸ™‚

  • neomy
    January 16th, 2003 17:00

    this is just unbelivable!!!!
    i never heared that one!
    for all of you that think its made up – i know it may seem so but – unfortenantly (for she more then anyone) they are!
    sending a kiss

  • Just a Girl
    February 13th, 2003 21:09

    This post made me laugh out loud like no other.

    I can relate though… πŸ™

    My only advise, and it seems as if you are already doing this, is BE PICKY, BE VERY PICKY.

    I wasn’t so picky and am living with the consequences.

  • She
    February 16th, 2003 02:35

    Oh dear.