There are so many factors which go into a good shidduch, and while frumkeit is a factor, it’s not necessarily a factor in the way you think it should be. That is, a seriousness about religion, a willingness to do honest self-evaluation, humility, . . . all of these things are the types of durable character traits that are really integral parts of people. Whether someone davens or learns as regularly as he should, or even is shomer negiah, these traits can overcome.

He knew you were frum. Presumably he was dating you with the idea of rising to -your- level. Maybe you’re right and he’s going to stay where he is with no changes to himself, but people are in a constant state of evolution and self-evaluation.

After one date with you, he couldn’t imagine doing tshuva and being as frum as possible, but that’s not necessarily the most meaningful standard. With more dates, I think that you would both be able to reevaluate the situation in a much more accurate way: he could see the advantages of being frummer, and you could both see whether you liked eachother.

I really really urge you to get in touch with this guy again (maybe through your friend) and give it a real shot.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s best to marry a person, not a checklist of mitzvot.

I am also a BT and I spent a while shidduch dating, and one thing which really confused me was this aspect that you’re trying to find a person you’re compatible with and you’re also trying to find someone whose frumkeit matches up with yours.

The first task is hard enough — secular people certainly have lots of trouble with it, when religion isn’t such a factor. When you add the second factor, the question is what really constitutes frumkeit — it’s pashut that you can’t count on your bashert eating the same hekshers, but even counting on him being fully observant always throughout his whole life isn’t necessarily realistic. Maybe you’ve found him at a low point in his life, and maybe this is the lowest point he will ever be at?

(It also cannot be overemphasized how important it is that he was so honest with you.)

Finally, I have a personal story. I am in grad school in the same place I went to college. I went on two dates when I first came back from seminary with two different people. By coincidence, each time I saw my close (secular Jewish) friend’s boyfriend who gave me a perfunctory hug.

I see this guy no more than twice a year, and it’s never really been an opportune time to tell him that I’m shomeret negiah. I feel like that could potentially do far more harm to my friend’s view of Judaism than perfunctory hugs do to my neshama.

Also, on the topic of shmirat negiah, different communities have different standards: Germans and Dutch, e.g., have long had the custom of shaking hands with the opposite sex. Once I was at the rabbanut getting papers processed for aliya and one of the rabbis took me by the elbow while pointing me to a clerk. This is a sweet old Moroccan man, and his gesture was not lacivious (it was in the central office of the Jerusalem rabbanut, after all! in front of all these rabbanut rabbis!)

Best of luck.