My Identical Twin

This was about three weeks ago.
My shadchan called me one day screaming into my ear
“I have found him! – Your identical twin! This guy is just like you!”
Hmmm, I thought skeptically, my identical twin. Now, how interesting is that?

I mean, there is *one* of me, which is clearly way too many anyway, and heaven knows they don’t need another one running around the shidduch scene.
I mean, my Gd, only the thought of it makes me want to do something extremely violent.
But I was fascinated – someone like me? Out there? Why not give it a go?

So we met, some hotel lobby of course, and by first impression, he passed the test- I mean, he didn’t spit all over my shidduch-outfit as he said his name . Always a good start.
That’s really something you can base a marriage upon.

He was Israeli. But he knew English. It was very important for him that I’ll internalise this profound fact. He knows English.
So whenever I said something and used a Latin word, he stopped everything and translated it into Hebrew, as if I didn’t know what I’ve just said, to show me that he has in fact fully understood the concept, though it wasn’t Hebrew, but that he was totally educated and Westernised, which I thought was rather silly, I mean, the guy was properly repeating every second word I was saying with his horrible fake American accent only to make sure that I wouldn’t be the only person in this enlightening conversation using foreign words. Can’t let that happen. And he added a rather patronising tone to it all, as if his MOTHER owns the English language and I should have asked for her permission first before daring to use it in front of him.
I was getting more and more annoyed with him.

Anyway, he asked me if I’ve seen a certain holocaust film that came out a while ago. When my answer came to the affirmative he asked me, So, with which character did you identify with the most?
Now, this film only had three basic characters which were The Jewish Guy, yet Another Jewish Guy, and an SS Officer.
Not a lot to choose from.
I answered the SS Officer, only to show him how ridiculous his question really was. I mean, come on, what IS this question anyway? It’s a holocaust film!
But he looked at me with these big eyes, wide open with shock and disappointment, and said that if a Jew says something like that, well, just look where the world has got to. Disgrace.

I decided to just shut up and use the time we have left together to look for split ends in my hair.

I didn’t feel like speaking anymore. I wanted him to talk. So I asked him about his home town. Just a silly question.
He took my question with all the gravity due to it, and began telling me about the founders of the place, the first settlers who came there 72 years ago, how they started building it all from scratch, with their bare hands and how people, striving for a goal, can really achieve… look at our strong nation, he cried. Just look at us Israelis! How we have triumphed!
I fell asleep.

I woke up ten minutes later and he was still talking about his home town’s north side, population, geographical facts and aerial location on the world map.

My Identical Twin. I couldn’t decide if I was merely insulted, or if there was really something to start worrying about here.

An hour had passed. I didn’t say a single word since the SS incident and I guess he was getting tired of hearing himself using highly sophisticated Latin words and not getting any feedback, so he suggested that we leave this hotel lobby and go to this Internet Caf just around the corner, to check emails.
This guy was truly exciting. I mean, my heart was just pounding with the adventure of it all.
But it made me happy. He wanted to go.
I said sure, but you know, I have got my internet at home really, I can check my emails there.
He asked me if he can come and check his emails too. AT MY PLACE. I was so certain he was kidding, so I said No, but you can come and watch me use the computer. I mean as dumb as this guy was, he would surely know that I was joking.
He didn’t.
He started walking me home. I was all quiet and developing an enormous headache.
We got to where I live, and only then I realised that he was all serious, like, he really thought he could come here and check his mail and WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE.
For pity’s sake.
I told him he couldn’t come in.
He was all surprised.
He was even slightly irritated that he had to walk me all the way home and only then find out that he’s not really invited to come in.
I don’t entertain men in my flat, sorry.

I think he was offended. I’m not sure, it was hard to tell, because five seconds later I was in my cosy apartment, checking my mail, leaving him in mid-sentence outside my door.

68 Responses to “My Identical Twin

  • me2
    February 13th, 2003 06:45

    Hi folks,

    I just bumped into this site and am finding it rather interesting. As a FFB I will say one thing that chazal (our sages) say about BT’s, I bet it’s not news for most of you- but what the heck: B’makom sheh’baalei teshuvah omdim ayn tzadikim gemurim omdim (In the place where BT’s stand, even the most righteous cannot stand). So, for those looking down their noses at BT’s this is to be understood loosely as such; the mere fact that someone took the leap and is a BT, puts them pretty darn high in the pecking order.

    About all these many travails that the shidduch seekers have and can go through, stay strong! I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times, but it’s the truth. It’s all ordained, G-d will look after you. After all, chazal say that He spends His time doing just that- arranging shidduchim. In terms of the challenge of it all, they are in agreement with you, “It is as hard as the splitting of the sea”.

  • AsIf
    February 13th, 2003 14:27

    Who here looks down at BT’s? DId I miss something? Okay so maybe you hit a raw nerve but am I supposed to apologize for being FFB? I sometimes feel that a lot of energy and attention is put religiously into BT’s but very little into ppl FFB because people assume that just because they havent gone crazily off the path or made some big statement that all is well.

  • D boy
    February 13th, 2003 16:50

    Someone had their coffee today. “me2” This site is not about BT vs FFB. “SHE” is pointing out the terrible situation of shiduchim, where you can’t obtain real references, the potential partners have shaddy backgrouds and the people you turn to for guidance (Shadchanim) are not really acting in your best intrests, only in theirs.

    All this thinking hurts my head. I’ll shut up now

  • me
    February 13th, 2003 19:31

    ladies and gents,
    i think weve hit a sore spot…
    i definately dont think this site is AT ALL about BT vs FFB as “D Boy” stated. i think this lovely, super duper site was made to let everyone chill out and forget their own problems while she tells us her endevours in the shidduch world….
    am i right, she?
    anyway, have fun all of you…. it isnt so serious.:)

  • She
    February 13th, 2003 20:06

    Oh…. I’m only here to supply the low entertainment and the gentle fights material.

  • me2
    February 13th, 2003 22:09

    D Boy, you’re probably right, there is way too much brewed Folgers in my veins.

  • me
    February 14th, 2003 12:34

    what are folgers please?

  • U
    February 14th, 2003 16:54

    Folgers is an American brand of coffee.

    D-boy, your comment about shaddchanim reminds me of a favorite quote from a movie:

    “You know, man, it’s like Lenin said, look to who will benefit, and there…”
    “I am the Walrus.”
    “you know man”
    “I am the Walrus…”
    “No! Vladimir Ilyich Ilayanov! VI Lenin, not John Lennon!”

    Who can name the movie?

  • j5
    February 14th, 2003 21:49

    The big lebowski.

  • Punims
    February 18th, 2003 03:17

    Speaking of Folgers, I filled one with snow today (clean) from our blizzard here, and put some coffee syrup over it. :/ I dunno, it was a bit too sweet.

    Hey what ever happened to that crazy guy on here? What was his name? Some russian name…

  • She
    February 18th, 2003 09:01

    The Man.
    I don’t know, just as I was thinking to just eat him and get it over with, he vanished.


  • shimra
    February 18th, 2003 16:31

    I have not made a comment on this story yet due to unforseen circumstances! I moved and could not figure out how to hook my computer up again.

    Anyway, I don’t think that it’s a particular “system” that lends itself to being set up with rapists and psychos. It’s how it’s being used. If the shidduch system was utilized in a way that it would be beneficial it would be great. Instead it’s manipulated by idiots who make these shidduch standards that have no basis in halacha anywhere. Like FFB’s being “worth” more than BT’s, yichus meaning a lot more than it has to, only being allowed to date for 50 seconds and then not being able to see each other during your engagement, etc. It’s just another way for people to show off their chumrot like one would show off their BMW. If that attitude isn’t thoroughly secular I don’t know what is.

  • soup eater
    February 18th, 2003 22:23

    i thoroughly agree.

  • me2
    February 19th, 2003 01:36

    Not being able to see each other during the engagement? That’s not most engagements that I know, I believe it’s only done in very Hasidic circles. Of course if that is a chumra you believe in- kol hakavod, but if that bothers you- don’t date that crowd. It’s not as if that is prevalent throughout Orthodoxy.

  • shimra
    February 19th, 2003 04:32

    I typed too fast. I meant to say that lots of frummies limit the time they’re together when they’re engaged. It’s the new chumra that’s come into vogue.

  • Jelly Beans
    February 20th, 2003 03:06

    Punims— did you really do that!??! 🙂 cute idea!

  • Punims
    February 20th, 2003 06:15

    Mhm. I got the idea from ‘Little House on the Prairie’ where Laura had a snow and molasses party with her whole town.

  • Jelly Beans
    February 20th, 2003 07:19

    hmmm…i bet it would’ve been good with cherry syrup…
    oh i never read little house on the prairie (but hey give me s/ credit for finishing r’ millers book ;))