Lavender

Haha, and you all thought I was having a good time while not writing…
“No bad dates recently for She”, eh? Oh, do I have a tale to tell you all.

Without going much into details – We met in a coffee shop. He was more than interesting, fascinating, intelligent, smart, funny, all of that good yummy stuff. He even looked great, I mean, I recall girls in that coffee shop giving me the wicked envious stare, which felt oddly nice. We went out few times, he was very sweet to me, phoned lots and did all the good “guy things” that have been missing from my life for so long.
He was absolutely fantastically fantastic.
I mean, not only relatively to all the Les Miserables that I usually meet, he was okay even in regular non-desperate standards.

Of course he also had his bizzare episodes, like getting very excited from one of my rings and asking me if he can try it on and spending a good amount of time admiring how it suits his little finger there.
There was also this one time that we sat there and sipped our drinks calmly when he suddenly turned to me and announced, completely context-free, that he really loves women. I admit that was weird.

It appears that we have a mutual friend. Well, maybe not as such, a friend of mine knows him, from the PAST. From before he became all holy and pure. I decided to ask this friend of mine about him, and when I did he looked at me secretly and only managed to say that he’s nice. Very nice, even.
Well, very nice is all I need folks.

The next day while I was getting ready to meet with him again, my mobile phone rang and there was my friend again, obligated by his loyalty to me and my healthy steady sanity, calling to say that now that he comes to think of it, he DOES have some info for me, but that I better sit down first. Of course I had to stand. No, no, really, you should sit.
Oh bloody hell, just tell me what it is and get this over with.
Okay, he used to be gay.
I sat down.

Now my bunnies, don’t ask me what does USED TO BE gay mean, as I don’t have the faintest. It’s either you are or you’re not, correcto?
Oh fun.

I made up my mind to confront him that same evening, who knows, maybe it’s an evil rumour, maybe someone hates him to bits and therefore spreads all those vicious tales about him being a cabaret singer, doing the odd bit of moonlighting as a flamenco dancer, the usual stuff we spread around about people who seriously offend us, like overtaking us on the highway, injuring that serious male pride.

Then I thought – well if that’s not the case, well then the reality is that I am dating a homosexual. Tonight, in fact. Now, I have nothing against homosexuals per se, in fact a couple of my good friends from school are a little more open-minded (shall we say), swinging both ways, starting to feel free to leap out of the closet, and I really am okay with the whole thing. In fact, I embrace it. In a very detached, thank-Gd-I-never-have-to-go-near-THAT way.
But I do have a problem with dating a gay guy. Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I do. I have a problem with both of us admiring the waiter. I have a problem with him being overly interested in my lipstick. I have a problem with always wondering if he wishes he was wearing MY clothes. I have problems with all these things. I want to be the GIRL in the relationship, dammit.
So, I thought – I’m doomed to stay single for eternity. More like it.

So we met.
Suddenly everything made sense. The ringy thingy, the Desire For Women Declaration, the niceness, I mean, he UNDERSTOOD me. The millions of little feminine things that used to be sweet and sensitive, and now just SCREAMED out, Hey, look at me, I’m GAY!!

So, on our coffee table were two little candles, how sweet, one was white and was called Lavender, the other one was light purple and was called Violet. I asked the waitress for a light and I lit them both. Quite the right atmosphere, isn’t it. I decided to ask him then; to tell him that I’ve heard that he used to have relationships with men (my other gay friend told me how to define it, said it was very politically correct of me); that I’d like to know if it’s true, basically.

It’s very embarrassing, really. I mean, I don’t even know this guy that well, and now I have to ask him about the most personal intimate things.
It was quiet. I looked at the two little candles and I said to myself, in a very radio-talk-show-broadcaster-kind of tone: Okay, Lavender or Violet, who would you rather be?
“Lavender”, he said immediately.
(Don’t say Lavender, don’t say Lavender, PLEASE don’t say Lavender, it is the GAYEST word ever. The gayest scent ever. A manly guy, even if he WANTED to say Lavender, or even BE Lavender, at this point, would restrain himself.)
“Excuse me?” I said. “I didn’t quite hear you.”
“Lavender”, he said again, “Of course”.
Why of course. Lavender. Gosh.

At that moment I knew that I’m not up for The Homosexual Confrontation. I ordered me some whisky instead. Ahh, don’t you just adore my coping with life techniques?
Feeling a little fuzzy from the drink and supremely confident in getting myself out of this mess, I asked him if he thinks that we suit each other, at all.
He said that it’s interesting that I bring it up, because he was just thinking the same thing. And immediately added “Though I really love women, you know”.
Oh yes, I know.

We fumbled around a bit, trying to extricate ourselves. I just wanted to get exceptionally drunk and go home. He thought we weren’t so right for each other also, apparently. Thank Gd. None of his reasons had anything to do with MY being gay, so huh. I felt superior, in a small way. Trying to salvage me some dignity. But I guess he could feel superior to me in other ways. I mean, he’s thinner than me.

176 Responses to “Lavender


  • Joe
    June 13th, 2003 21:48
    1

    Humbert,

    I agree with much of what you say. However, you earlier said you haven’t read the book. Obviously there was huge controversy within charedi cirlces about the book, but if you read the book you will find that the “controversial” material is very minor, mainly relating to the fact that many gedolim fought through existential struggles, that most yeshiva students in Europe left Orthodoxy, that gedolim studied secular subjects, etc. Until the book was banned it was obscure; it only became controversial because it was banned.

    As for who banned it, it was a group of charedi rabbis in Israel, including Rav Elyashiv and Rav Scheinberg. Charedi rabbis in Israel are far more right-wing than their U.S. counterparts. In the U.S. most charedi people (as distinsguished from rabbis) are against the ban. Many charedi rabbis are also against it but do not feel they can criticize Rav Elyashiv. Anyway, the people paying $500 and up are generally curious charedim. Suffice to say I very strongly oppose the ban and know nobody – even among charedim – who is not at least ambivalent about it.

    Just as I’ve stopped posting on the gay issue, this will be my last post here on the MOAG issue. So if you’re interested in further discussing this topic, feel free to contact me privately.

  • Humbert
    June 13th, 2003 22:45
    2

    Hi, Joe, what you said is thought provoking.
    Please don’t leave us I really like you.

  • shimra
    June 15th, 2003 08:04
    3

    Devora! Thanks for the link! I’m ever so happy I get to read godol gossip. I’m not listening to Joe. There’s gotta be some steamy secrets in there, no?:)
    Maybe some hunky photos of a godol or two in their undies? Ok now I know it’s time to go to sleep. I’m getting too weird even for me.

  • Humbert
    June 15th, 2003 17:46
    4

    Shimra, boo, shame on you. Everyone knows that gedolim are on such a high level they don’t need to wear undies.

  • lolita
    June 15th, 2003 21:30
    5

    humbert
    do you think theres enough space on this page for me AND your ego?
    on this rotten earth, there are not many people like you. and thats why we cant get married.
    did i crush you?
    like a grape?
    (nothing rhymes with grape).

  • shimra
    June 15th, 2003 21:39
    6

    ape, crepe, chafe, dilate, drape, effete (?), equate, fate, gape, irate, late, mate, Nate, nape, plait, rate, rape, shape, state, slate, trait, tape

    finish your poem:)

  • Humbert
    June 16th, 2003 00:18
    7

    Did I crush you
    like a grape.
    No shit.
    No shit.

    (call me ba’al gaiveh, but I think my blank verse beats the crap out of my primitive rhymed rhapsody.)

  • Humbert
    June 16th, 2003 03:31
    8

    Did I crush you like a grape –
    I did crush you like a grape?
    You did crush like I a grape.
    Crush! I did you. Like a grape?

  • shimra
    June 16th, 2003 20:23
    9

    bravo

  • K
    June 17th, 2003 03:03
    10

    Yoz,

    Excellent post.

  • King
    June 17th, 2003 04:30
    11

    I hate the world. The world is dumb. Dumb like a dumbell or a drum. I hate the shidduch process. The miscommunication of it all; the superficiality of it all. The slyness and the stab-in-the-back of it all. Hate it for the false niceties, pouring salt on the wound. For the unspeakable, invisible, caste system shelving you exactly where you belong. I hate the world for having evolved into a darwinian cult of diddling excerements. I hate the world. And the world hates me.

  • shimra
    June 17th, 2003 08:15
    12

    join the Underground of Innocents

  • King
    June 17th, 2003 16:16
    13

    What’s that?

  • shimra
    June 17th, 2003 19:02
    14

    It’s just a name I made up. Cool name for a band, eh? Actually what i mean is find other unspoiled people such as yourself who still have ideals and morals. i’m still looking.:)

  • King
    June 17th, 2003 19:46
    15

    What are you looking for, dear? Your patent leather combat boots? Let’s see, where did I put them? Nothing in the fridge, nothing in the stove, nothing between the pages of britanica … Hmmm, where are my patent leather combat boots?

  • Mr. Cohen
    June 23rd, 2003 02:05
    16

    The Old

    The old were old since conception –
    not their’s, the universe’s.
    It’s true without exceptions.
    And there’s only falsehood
    for the false blue teeth
    that ate micro-lobsters and plastic
    kimonos off somebody’s unknown
    invisible hand.

  • yidrock
    July 18th, 2003 20:45
    17

    Im not sure if LAVENDER is the gayest word ever. Id say FABULOUS is fairly gay. As is SPIFFY.

  • jaja
    August 7th, 2003 16:59
    18

    what i don’t get is: if u’r gay, why not just be
    hiz beard and carry on, on your own (so to speak).

    Also all this b.s. about this 100% forbidden stuff
    gets 2 me.

    1) Even if uz born this way, so what , people born
    with palsy and other stuff are still SICK even if
    born that way.

    2) Being / wanting something don’t make it right.

  • jewish
    August 11th, 2003 10:48
    19

    Ahavas Yisroel seems to be a popular mitzvah…. ….!! except that we’ve been forgetting to love our selves…. HHMMM!!???? EEVER THINK OF CALLING OFF A DATE???!!!???

  • x
    August 11th, 2003 17:21
    20

    I got two words, peoples, especially snark: ANNE HECHE.

  • nightwriter
    August 12th, 2003 22:45
    21

    I agree with JAJA,

    The whole conversation about the gay lifestyle
    being legit is false.

    Say someone has feelings for a 10 yr. old
    boy/girl should those feelings be acted upon.
    Should this be allowed because the adult was
    born with a pedophile tendancy, hell no.

    Same here homo tendancy is just as wrong in a
    way.

    G-d bless us all.

  • sir shmoozalot
    August 14th, 2003 22:59
    22

    Hey night writer,

    cool name, is it based on the tv thing night rider

    anyhoo,

    good points

    but can’t compare philes to gays now, can u???

  • outer
    August 14th, 2003 23:02
    23

    jaja is gay

  • x
    August 19th, 2003 20:07
    24

    sir shmoozalot: it’s all one, man, it’s all one. nambla.

  • sir shmoozalot
    August 20th, 2003 20:12
    25

    hey x,

    how can u say it’s all one not all gays are philes
    and not all philes are gay..

    hey hey,

    sir schmoozalot….

  • sir shmoozalot
    August 20th, 2003 20:12
    26

    hey x,

    how can u say it’s all one not all gays are philes
    and not all philes are gay..

    hey hey,

    sir schmoozalot….