Meeting With The IRS
July 18th, 2003 at 12:12 am (She)
I’ve always wondered who are the world loving, nature children of the revolution, fighting dictatorship, for the sake of democracy, freedom of speech etc who work in the IRS. Nice people, surely.
So now I know.
As if I don’t have enough stressing out to do before I actually leave my flat for a date, like deciding on what to wear, and then having your flatmate telling you it’s horrid and that you must change, and so you do, and luckily the closet’s is rather stable so it doesn’t crash when you open it a gazillion times, and just when you’re about to leave another flatmate has a brilliant idea about a very very specific shirt that I just HAVE to wear NOW and tries to block my way out the door, and only after I manage to lock her in the stove or something and shout LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU, I get to the date, calm.
So, having to go through all of that tantrum in the moments leading to my date, an hour of meditating relaxation isn’t much to ask for really.
And did I get to have it? A moment of peace and harmony?
Of course not. I got a freaking meeting with the IRS.
Seriously. This guy is working for them.
And I do pay my taxes!
I’m used to dating (no. really), and I’m used to being asked about my job, and this isn’t the usual kind of question that makes me nervous. But this guy, working in the IRS, was just fishing for mistakes….fish fish fish…Outcome! Income! Numbers! Details! My Gd, all that was missing was a neon spotlight directed at my face.
I felt like in an interrogation at the Mossad.
And I do pay my taxes!
At about 11.pm he said something about him being very strict about saying the Krias Shema on time. How important it is to never say it after Chatzos etc. I agreed. Important, yeah. I then noticed that it was nearly Chatzos. And he kept looking at his watch, which was annoying. so I thought he was planning to end this date now so he could get to yeshiva on time.
But no.
Before I had a chance to say a thing, he covered his eyes with his right hand and said Krias Shema so loudly that the waitress turned to us, thinking that he actually wanted to order something. He just let himself get totally carried away on waves of enthusiasm and real kavonah.
Now, this is a crowded place. I was like, sitting there, looking at him in total shock, while he ignored me completely, I mean, he was, after all, surfing the waves of spiritual enlightenment, and who was I to interrupt this special daily proceeding.
What was he thinking? That when he covers his eyes he disappears?
When he finished he looked at me said wow, I feel so good, so holy, so pure… don’t you get that after you say Krias Shema? I feel so…. REFRESHED.
Ahh. Refreshed. That’s exactly how I get.
Then he said Ahh again. Surely he was trying to emphasise a point of which I wasn’t aware. Ahh. The moaning of a man in bliss.
By that point of our date, I was certainly not in bliss.
He came back from his midnight surf all tanned and splashy, refreshed and filled with new energy to keep on interrogating me about money and taxes and all that. I couldn’t even understand half of what he was going on about.
I was quite exhausted at that point. It occurred to me that I’m actually paying this guy’s salary. And that now I have to go and sleep so I can get up in the morning fresh and new, and work, and pay his salary, keep him busy doing something. ANYTHING TO KEEP people of his sort ever walking out the office.
Elana's roomate said,
July 18, 2003 at 12:33 am
I don’t get it, She. Do you live in Israel or America? And if you live in Israel, why would you be paying American taxes (or the salary of an American IRS worker)? Or is that what it’s called in Israel too? Please enlighten me.
She said,
July 18, 2003 at 12:45 am
I guess I could write MAS HACHNASA, if only I thought anyone would understand what it means.
M said,
July 18, 2003 at 12:48 am
He said shema on a date? The mad guys you meet….
sm said,
July 18, 2003 at 1:31 am
Similar situation on a date once, but the guy was bentching after a meal, out loud, in a restaurat, for half an hour. I started recited tehilim by heart so my bentching didnt seem that lightening speedy but at some point I realized i could only stare at the last page for so long. The counting of wall tiles then began.
Dovi said,
July 18, 2003 at 2:04 am
She, I know this is probably the wrong place to say it, but I just read your blog - it’s cool! You should consider doing something with your writing.
Humbert said,
July 18, 2003 at 2:57 am
Wow you’re his BOSS! Thats so cool, thats so romantic.
dani said,
July 18, 2003 at 7:38 am
sounds like a blast… hehe
you should totally go out with him again and have him fill out all your forms for you. at least you’d *get* something out of the time you spend with him…
shimra said,
July 18, 2003 at 11:04 am
hmmm. was this guy another BT? Because they tend to go overboard in certain halachic stuff. Like separating their trash btw meat and dairy.
She said,
July 18, 2003 at 12:10 pm
Of course he was a BT. They are mad, they are all mad I tell you.
Jinji said,
July 18, 2003 at 4:28 pm
They are all mad — no getting round that. The point is to find the right kind of mad for you.
Humbert said,
July 18, 2003 at 6:05 pm
I feel I’m the right kind of mad for every single girl. Have a great torturesome sleepless shabbos night, single girls. Oh, I’ll be thinking of you all, to be sure. And dani, “sounds like a blast”? You’re so obscene. You have to do teshuva, or else I’ll stop thinking of you at 3:00 am. I’ll just skip over you, to the next on line, at 3:15, which is She. I take a 20 minute bathroom break at 3:30, but Jinji is batting up next at 3:50. At 5:00 I switch to boys. First, myself. Then some more myself, followed by Yoz. As they say, acharon acharon choviv.
Then I just have enough time to learn Michtav M’Eliyohu for 10 minutes before my vasikin minyan. In his will, Rav Avigdor Miller z”l asked that everyone study mussor for 10-20 minutes every day. I loved the righteous man. I used to ask him questions, when he was alive.
Confession: I remember how once I approached him after Shabbos, with a question about Wisdom. I felt in such awe in his presence, I shivered all over. It was a shame that at the very moment he was telling me the answering, the filthiest images of female bodies were flashing across my mind’s eye - precisely because I didn’t want them to. You know what I mean? The more I pushed them, begging them to leave, gently jolting them with my mental index finger, out of my mental field of vision, the more they endeavored to stay, and to muck up my inner screen. I felt that Rabbi Miller was reading my mind, and was very embarrased infront of this holy sage. But then I thought to myself, well if he can read my mind, and isn’t telling me to stop, perhaps, then, he is enjoying it. Perhaps, one has to enjoy ones mind and not fight it - then the longed for success will come on its own. Then, it came quite suddenly, the Rabbi just walked away. I guess he read my suspicions, felt insulted. I never asked him for mechila. Feel terrible. So much for my confession.
Just kidding. It’s all a lie. Ha ha ha.
M said,
July 18, 2003 at 6:27 pm
Yes, you’re mad. But SHE is a bit mad also (in a good way!!!), so maybe you could be a good match.
Humbert said,
July 18, 2003 at 7:16 pm
“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” “How do you know that I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
(Hey Snark, take a look at this, you’ll get a kick out of it.)
IRS Chief said,
July 18, 2003 at 9:11 pm
She,
1. If you’re Israeli why were you dating an IRS guy, and why would you pay taxes to the IRS?
2. If the guy works for the IRS, why did you think he looked at his watch because he wanted to get back to yeshiva on time? Is he in yeshiva or working for the IRS?
You are a good fiction writer.
Joe said,
July 18, 2003 at 9:26 pm
IRS, I think she already answered your first question - she said she was talking about Mas Hachnasa, which must be Israel’s income tax collection unit. She just used IRS for her U.S. readers. Perhaps you are just jealous that you did not get to impress she with your shema recitations.
Humbert said,
July 18, 2003 at 10:36 pm
Maybe She doesn’t exist at all, maybe she’s a myth. Maybe she is a collective entity of 10 different girls form all over the world, including Israel, US, UK, Canada, Australia, and countries of the FSU. And here they are pulling us by our noses, wrapping us arround their fingers. Maybe She is an artificial intelligence program that Yoz is testing out on us, with 10 different intelligent servers all over the globe. Simulating a shidduch going girl.
asif said,
July 19, 2003 at 11:58 am
Humbert did u see the movie Simone?
She said,
July 19, 2003 at 9:28 pm
But he *is* in yeshiva. And also working for OUR IRS.
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 5:32 am
Asif, no i haven’t what is it about?
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 6:31 am
I know, I know, I know what was the matter, She. He wanted to impress you by the fact that he’s good with numbers and he KNOWS what he’s talking about.
asif said,
July 20, 2003 at 11:47 am
Its a movie about a director who casts a digital woman in his movie named simone..it wasnt very well recieved but your comments before just reminded me of it.
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 4:58 pm
She, what’s the matter with the blog?
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 5:20 pm
Hey She, what’s the matter, where are you anyway? Is all OK? Or are you brooding?
She said,
July 20, 2003 at 8:14 pm
Am resting.
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 8:41 pm
Actively or passively resting?
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 8:50 pm
Tzadikim ain lohem menucha lo b’olom haze, vlo b’olom habo. So you must be in your own world, which defies definition, denies entrance, and or escape. Olam Ha”She”, I mean Olam HaHe.
micro said,
July 20, 2003 at 9:52 pm
She! you are making us worry!
please don’t stop writng!
Humbert said,
July 20, 2003 at 11:58 pm
No, speak for yourself please.
I do not worry, I’m at ease
kowing well something’s amiss,
a venomous kiss, a vacuum hiss
happilly crawling on her knees,
foreboding love in legalese -
read, keep it simple stupid, is
it soda pop or champagne fizz?
Sane said,
July 21, 2003 at 1:15 am
She - who are you anyway to say that all BT’s are mad?
Punims said,
July 21, 2003 at 2:09 am
Humbert, you remind me of my little brother. Annoying and pesty.
(Yikes, I shoulda left out that last part)
Insane said,
July 21, 2003 at 2:10 am
Rav Nachman from Breslov said, that in the end of days before the comming of moshiach, whoever will have Faith in Hashem will be considered Insane.
Humbert said,
July 21, 2003 at 2:13 am
Hey, rebetzin wannabe, long time no see. How’s it cooking? I’m not annoying. I repeat, I am not annoying. Your brother has every right to get on your nerves.
Humbert said,
July 21, 2003 at 2:21 am
Punims you remind me of my grandma. Purple and on wheels.
imitation L said,
July 21, 2003 at 4:13 am
She, didn’t that guy talk about anything else other than taxes?
She said,
July 21, 2003 at 7:25 am
I don’t think so. Or maybe he did. I don’t know. Anyway, it was fascinating enough.
Humbert said,
July 21, 2003 at 9:59 pm
I just feel sorry for both of you that you can’t get along very well with eachother.
A Fan said,
July 21, 2003 at 10:59 pm
I miss you, She.
Humbert said,
July 21, 2003 at 11:43 pm
Yep, it feels good to be alive, sometimes.
micro said,
July 22, 2003 at 11:02 am
ok she, i think you should come back now. now. now.
Radom lil me said,
July 22, 2003 at 2:58 pm
Let She be. Just show her love and support and she’ll come around whenever she feels. We all need downtime.
Humbert…do you know how to tone yourself down at all? I find you’re getting on my nerves and I don’t think I’m alone.
Humbert said,
July 22, 2003 at 3:50 pm
Random lil you, I agree I’m an outrage. Will make another - this time, real - effort to tone, as you say, down, my, as it were, self. Sorry for making misconfort in the mind and heart, everybody.
rinx said,
July 22, 2003 at 11:54 pm
you mean you dont get all high and tanned from saying and meditating on shema? gosh, how far we have strayed…
Uninvisible said,
July 23, 2003 at 12:19 am
I don’t necessarily think the issue is the seriousness or intensity one has for reciting prayers (or how invigorating the experience can be) as much as it has to do with exploiting a religious activity thinking it might impress a woman
M said,
July 23, 2003 at 12:52 am
What else can he do? Kitesurf to impress She?
Quote said,
July 23, 2003 at 3:40 am
Dear She,
Here is my love and support. Now will you come back please?
Humbert said,
July 23, 2003 at 3:50 am
Well it happened to me once. I bentched. A religious moan pierced through quite unintentionally. The girl was very happy and flattered, thinking I was entertaining her or something. So I up and tells her, “Well actually I was trying to divert my mind from you, unto the shapes of the letters for a change”. She found it most distasteful. So she goes, “oh I know how to divert your thoughts, here” and opening a salt shaker, jetted the salt in my face. I was so embarassed, I told her she was crazy, and started crying. She got all red, “you know what, you are tireding [sic]” got up, and left. I hope she dies. Eventually. After 120.
d boy said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:35 am
Humbert, who cried you or the girl?
Humbert said,
July 23, 2003 at 4:24 pm
I. Sob.
victoria said,
July 23, 2003 at 7:00 pm
ok you guys,, please help me out here , i have 2 very important questions-
1) what the heck is a blog
2) what does sic mean
thank you
Uninvisible said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:27 pm
“Blog” is short for Web log and refers to a Web page that serves as a publicly-accessible personal journal for an individual. Typically updated daily (though, not the case with our beloved She as of late), blogs often reflect the personality of the author as they spew out rants, diatribes, stories of lost love or what have you. Basically whatever the author fancies.
“Sic” is a latin word meaning thus or so. It’s usually used to indicate that a quoted passage, especially one containing an error or unconventional spelling, has been retained in its original form or written intentionally. Humbert was just covering his bases, showing that he didn’t misspell anything — the girl was all jumbled.
Uninvisible said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:34 pm
Speaking of blogs, check out this one entitled “The Shidduch Experiment” quite apropos to our little site…
http://www.20six.co.uk/-/en/weblog/3c6zga4yo024?categoryId=fibm0rbo9zvk&show=next&lastIndex=1jmoauwfewm4p&day=1&month=0&year=0&calendarMonth=&calendarYear=
M said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:41 pm
She’s annoying.
…and look what she had to say about our lovely She here….
http://www.20six.co.uk/-/en/weblogEntry/10w2g5770wt78
She said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:43 pm
“A chick”? Was that about me? A chick?
M said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:49 pm
Yeah, and trying to ride your wave of glory
She said,
July 23, 2003 at 9:54 pm
What glory?
It’s cool, anyone can write about shidduchim, you know….
Uninvisible said,
July 23, 2003 at 10:44 pm
Anybody, true, but not with your characteristic candor.
She said,
July 23, 2003 at 10:51 pm
Oh, that’s just so nice.
Thank you.
I think I’m going to make “candor” my new favourite word now.
Uninvisible said,
July 23, 2003 at 10:55 pm
Glad I could be so impressionable.
rinx said,
July 24, 2003 at 2:57 am
that girl is sic for thinking u were entertaining her with the moan..i mean let a guy have his peace with his kavuna, people shouldnt but into others bussiness on how they daven…
Humbert said,
July 24, 2003 at 5:04 am
I think so too. It’s not too much to ask for, is it?
Humbert said,
July 24, 2003 at 5:58 am
People are too nosy, that’s for sure. For instance, my mother is Korean, she went through the geirus process before I was even in the planning - why does everyone have to ask me whether I am a ger or not? I mean, it’s none of your business. Am I marrying you? No. So what’s your freaking problem. People just get on my nerves. Today, for instance I had this nasty talk with my manager in Eichlers. So he had to know exactly how many hours I spend watching TV per week. Exactly. Like, oh my gosh, what’s your freaking problem, man. Like I work for you twice a week. Freaking twice a week. You pay me next to nothing. I repeat next to nothing, on the good days. You smell like spoiled rats soaked in kerosene. And you want to know if I’m not kodesh enough? Go jump in the lake, looser. Sheesh. Some people are just too nosy, that’s what I say.
Uninvisible said,
July 24, 2003 at 9:52 am
I don’t think it is nosiness as much as it is an inability by many in so called “frum communities” to deal with variation or perhaps what they see as a challenge to their monolithic society. After all, if the Rebbe says TV is evil and you watch TV, clearly you are inclined towards evil (if not evil incarnate) and obviously incapable of being an effective Jewish book sales person. Whether or not you’re a committed and halakhic Jew is irrelevant…
As for questioning the kavanah of others, one never knows what is indeed going on in the hearts of others (nor the meaning of whelps, hummings, bizarre guttural vibrating noises etc.) and it would be wiser to inquire as opposed to simply cast aspersions (or salt, or any other granular substance, for that matter).
victoria said,
July 24, 2003 at 10:16 am
thank you mr invisible
asif said,
July 24, 2003 at 11:42 am
So, How many hours of TV do you watch?
.
.
.
.
j/k
Humbert said,
July 25, 2003 at 3:54 am
AsIf, you’re cute. I try not to watch at all. But I have to deal with the fact that the TV is watched regularly by other people here where I’m currently at. TV is stupid, the only thing I’d ever want to watch would be the Charlie Rose show, and documentaries about the dinosaurs on the learning channel. TV is the looney box, the best part is comercials, the most original and creative stuff of television.
asif said,
July 27, 2003 at 3:22 pm
‘course Im cute.
Now that we are unanimous on that topic, I have to totally disagree with you about the TV thing.
I love Tv - I really enjoy it and make time to watch it. I was “Trauma-life in the ER” to test my medical knowledge, “Friends” and “Everyone loves Raymond”to laugh, Channel 2 for the educational programs, M*A*S*H, and reruns of Felicity wondering my university experience wasnt more like hers :). Freud might say that its catharsis - who knows? Theres a lot to learn from TV like the books and the internet - its jst a form of media, and like anything else you have to be picky about what you choose to watch.
Humbert said,
July 27, 2003 at 6:33 pm
Perhaps you’re right, TV is beautiful, although it is the lowest common denominator for consumption of the masses, mass produced by the opressive powerful and rich class, like a sausage churning mill. But, as Tolstoy already said, true art is contagiously popular. For perhaps TV is the True art of Modern Times despite the fact that it’s pure brain washing; that it’s a low taste and quality thing; and that its humour isn’t funny, and tragedy ain’t sad.
But that was sweet of you anyway - very brave to stand up for TV when everyone else is suddenly sitting down to daven.
asif said,
July 29, 2003 at 8:58 am
Maybe thats why I have so many issues with davening.
shimra said,
July 30, 2003 at 9:12 pm
my computer is fixed!!! now i’m going to catch up on what i’ve missed. ok, i’m done.
wow. what’s this about moaning in pleasure during davening? Humbert! That’s highly inappropriate! Jeez!
Humbert said,
July 31, 2003 at 4:20 am
If I’m guilty of high impropriety, I am innocenct of low aspirations.
HumbAri said,
July 31, 2003 at 5:42 am
TV as art?? TV as educational?? I enjoy TV as much as the next guy, but let’s not kid ourselves, folks. TV fries the imagination and is one of the most intellectually passive things you could do with your time. It ecourages escapism, and a distortion of reality. It ruins the imaginative faculties. All of this is obvious to anyone she’einav b’rosho. Of course, as I said before, I do enjoy TV sometimes, but let’s not rationalize too much.
shimra said,
July 31, 2003 at 9:26 am
look, I don’t know about you but “Jerry Springer” is the best show on TV! JERRY! JERRY!
Humbert said,
July 31, 2003 at 6:16 pm
No, the best show on TV is Charlie Rose! Dog man it.
Humbert said,
July 31, 2003 at 6:37 pm
Hey, HumbAri does Art immitate reality, or does reality immitate Art? And are there really two m’s in immitate?